About Being Good… to Others

An Important Life Lesson

One of my daughters once wrote something that I both admired and had a bit of worry over (it was in response to one of her friends who asked, where are the good people?

I’ll paste the part that concerned me here:

Helping people is what I love to do, I will never tire of it because there is always someone out there who deserves a helping hand. I have been raised by two loving and inspirational parents who have taught me to do the best I can with the hand I have been dealt. I am strong because of my family and loved ones, and I will use my strength to help those I can, in any way I possibly can, because I have faith in people, in us as a race.”

I love that she is such a kind person. But as her father and someone who has been far down the rough dirt—the real—road of life, I wrote this for her (and my other three daughters). But it applies to everyone young and old:

There are countless good people in the world. Many of them surround me. Genuinely good people—the kind you want to associate with—know there are other good people out there. It’s the people that do not believe good exists you have to be wary of, and you absolutely have to be cautious with those you think might be good but seem to always need something… are always looking for someone to help them or to care for or about them. You will want to comfort these people… be a friend or possibly even a lover to them. You will want to be strong for them. But don’t rush to do that out of reflex because you are so kind and good.

NEVER blindly believe a person is good.

Watch them.

Listen to them.

BUT, also see how they act when it seems no one is watching or listening to them. See how they treat others and most importantly, see how they feel about themselves (by their actions and words).

If what you see is negative… if their view of themselves is destructive, self-defeating or they are always running down or blaming other people and lamenting how their life sucks. Or conversely, they are over the top, overly enthusiastic about things (anything) when they surely don’t have a basis to be that enthused and never realize their thinking is distorted or comprehend they have a skewed perception of reality. Be cautious.

Keep them at arm’s length until they merit you letting them into your heart and your life. And if they don’t improve, become considerate (of themselves and others), self-aware and rational, and continue with the way they are—keep them at a distance. Let them deal with their own life. You can be friendly with them but don’t owe them any part of yours.

ABOUT BEING GOOD... To Others by Dennis LoweryMaking the terrible mistake to take them in, trying to help, to accept or tolerate them and keep a relationship with them, opens you up to their bitterness and bile. And they will eat away at your time and if it continues and you let it… their negativity or irrationality will affect your life. They can—through the smallest opening—drag you down into their dark hole. Don’t let it happen. Only accept friends and relationships on your terms.

They have to prove to you that they are worthy.

They have to earn the right to your highest level of friendship or love.

The best way you can help people is by having confidence in who you are and in what you plan for your life.

That does not mean being selfish or self-centered.

It does mean you must be an independent thinker and above the very neediness, negativity and irrationality I just pointed out for you.

That makes you strong enough to protect yourself—and makes you the truly good person—the best kind of friend, lover, partner, husband or wife.

And that makes our world a better place to live.

 

2 thoughts on “About Being Good… to Others

  1. Dennis,
    Me thinks she might be closer to enlightenment than both of us.
    There is a difference between being a door mat and a loving person. On is a victim, the other a teacher.
    There’s a song from the musical South Pacific: You’ve Got To Be Carefully Taught. The American who sings it, is paraniod because of WWII. But “bloody” Mary, A native Hawaiian, believes in Happy Talk, or else how will your Dreams come true?
    I’m on the bloody Mary side.
    Me thinks so is your 17 year old.
    You and your wife have created incredible children, give her some wings, and be ready to be a patient listener (DAD) when some guy she believes in, lets her down. Do not let her wallow in bitterness.

  2. Hi Vicky,
    Thanks for the comments on this post. There is some truth to what my daughter wrote but what I shared is only a small bit of it–she also touched on how she felt so many people believe there were no good people in the world–and she wanted to prove them wrong by being a super-good person.
    I agree that giving love and compassion in small measure is something all good and caring people should do without anticipating anything in return. “We do it because it makes us feel good.” And that’s okay. My cautionary words are to forestall any propensity in my daughter (or anyone) to go “all in” to the point where it hurts. Humans don’t really know anything until we experience it ourselves… and my daughter(s) will all suffer relationship pain at some point. I just want my girls forewarned as best I can make them.

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